someone threw a dead crab at me
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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