If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
