I think I just saw someone hide a body.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dicks are not precious.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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