i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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