Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
