This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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