I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
