So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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