I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I love you.
Bad choice
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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