id be glad to
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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