If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
