I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
