girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
