Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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