Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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