just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
