my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
