Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
