If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
