I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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