does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
