So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Soap is not a condiment
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
