so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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