i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
