Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize