There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
