I wish they made helmets for livers.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
