I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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