I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
