If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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