my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
