my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
