You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize