You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
