Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
