i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Welp...herpes.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
