it hurts more in the daytime
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
