and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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