I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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