Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
