if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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