Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
