Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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