eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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