I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I won the penis lottery.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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