Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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