And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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