Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
