I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it hurts more in the daytime
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
