my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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