Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
