Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
