i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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