this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
