Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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