I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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