Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
