Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
