My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
