Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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