doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
