i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
