it's not cheating when I paid for it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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