just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How does it feel to date your dad?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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