My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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